Wow. Really?

Don't Dolphins eat Tuna?

2007-12-20T08:02:00.001-08:00

Call me Nostradamus.

Some people don't understand to click the little clicky links. Click "Nostradamus out," to read what I mean.
Nostradamus out.

I guess they really want the Big Dog...

2007-12-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

Heh. Get it? The big DOG? Hahahaha...Oh, my. I kill me.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/scorecard/nflnews.asp?articleID=220184

Let me begin as a Dallas Cowboys fan by giving a personal and individual shout-out to everyone on the Falcons "organization" that made this happen. I was begging for this to happen the entire time The Tuna was flailing around like a fish out of water "coaching" the Cowboys.

Some problems I see with this:

You got Bill Parcells. Not Bill BELICHICK.
As wonderful and brilliant as everyone seems to think this man is, let us remember that he has won exactly 1 Superbowl without Belichick behind him. In his long storied career of winning 2, btw.
That Superbowl was 18 years ago. Ok, 17 years ago, but we're almost in 2008, so we'll call it 18.
He has no back-office, front-office, side-office or any other office experience.
You cannot trust this man. He has a long history of saying one thing and doing another, the most famous being when he pulled a Ricky on the Giants.

Ok. I understand that the snake oil salesman isn't actually going to be coach out there, but isn't it about time to put down the ceaseless, needless unfounded reverance of a man who was only adequate in his job, and look to the future, not the ambiguous past?

Once again, as a Cowboys fan who might someday meet this team on the football field, let me congratulate you on your decision.

The season for giving (out taxpayer dollars)...

2007-12-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I really do. I get annoyed when people call it "The Holiday Season." I think that people who wanna celebrate Kwanzaa can pick some time in August. I think people who have "Holiday Trees," can kiss my ass. I love the looks on the faces of the people who I'm blessed to gift during Christmas as they like (or hate) what I give them. I truly prefer to give than to receive. There's little in the world that I want which I do not have.

However, I also make it a point not to gift people who have not gifted me with wisdom, caring, insight, friendship, steadfastness, character, etc. I do not give random gifts to random people. The older I've grown, the more I've found that this appears to be what my taxpayer dollars are for.

http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/12/19/1219season.html

Let me go ahead and start with the basics. 9, 5, 4 and 2x at 9 months? Jesus Christ! No, I'm not taking his name in vain, really. I'm pointing out that even he would be taking birth control somewhere between any of those gestational periods.

She lives in subsidized (by me) housing, and always certainly gets (my) welfare dollars. For 9 years. Now, as I said, I'm not begrudging any private individuals who want to help out this disadvantaged young woman. However, where does it end?

What belief is there that giving her free tuition to nursing school is going to help? Let us assume for the moment (and, yes, I can say this with a straight face) that she has a job. She ain't gonna be keeping it while going to school. Let us not forget that "___ school" is usually "___ years" depending on what sort of (useless) degree you might get. Well, nursing school is a few years, at least, for the most dedicated students. This basically means that for the young lady in question, she's going to spend probably 4 years in school with no job. And no car, because as the grasping Ruiz points out, she still needs one of you fine folk to buy her an SUV.

4 years in nursing school. Maybe 3. Ok. I'd like to point out that in the past 9 years, this young lady has not managed to remain not pregnant for 3 years. Whoa. Did he just say that? Yes. He most certainly fucking did.

What possible belief should there be, would there be, or can there be that this young lady will remain celibate during her school days when she hasn't over the past nine years? I think in order to receive, one must give. In her case, her ovaries. Yep. That's what I said. Give them up, and perhaps you can impose on the society you tax so much in the first place with your bad decisions and bad choices to give something back to help raise you up from the dregs into which you've slipped.

Merry Christmas

Whip it! Whip it good!

2007-11-27T09:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes they just speak for themselves. On behalf of all the people who AREN'T as stupid or pushy or idelogic or whatever the hell she thought her "innocent mistake" was proving, WHIP HER!!!!

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/africa/11/27/sudan.bears/?iref=mpstoryview

Would you like some fries with that Columbine masscare?

2007-11-16T08:45:00.001-08:00

Oh, dear God. Forgive them, Father, for they are far too stupid for other treatment. It would be like condemning cows.

http://news8austin.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=195372

Money quote #1:
"Normally when a campus is in lockdown nobody is moving. Everybody is staying put. No one is wandering the halls. There is no going to and from places,"

Really? On SWAT lockdown? No movement? Really. And let me guess? You have to explain this to the "parents?" And they bitch, don't they? Presumably these are the same parents who would be bitching if their ill-behaved, under-educated, pregnant, obese, under-achieving kids were massacred, at, say Columbine, where there was no lockdown. For obvious reasons.

Money quote #2:
"Some of these kids. This is the only meal they get when they come here until the next day."

Wow, Betty. Now that is a revelation. Sucks to be these kids. Perhaps that's because the parents are spending what little money they have on drugs, alcohol and hookers? Just a fuckin' thought, because, I'll tell you what, there are resources in this country that a child does not have to go hungry with only his slice of pizza from school to eat all day. Trust me. I pay for the stupid programs.

There should be a license to be a parent.

Death and taxes. No. Football. What was I saying.

2007-11-09T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you don't even have to write anything.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7426438?MSNHPHCP>1=10637

My heart goes out to you, kiddo. You did the right thing, Troy.

If there are any Vikings fans out there (yes, I'm talking to you 3 guys), organize a boycott of a few home games, would ya?

The wonderful thing about Eisner...

2007-11-08T07:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. I really need a second line to that, but given the esteemed Eisner's career, there's just not a whole lot I can say about the man other than the fact that he's not Pervez Musharraf...

http://www.engadget.com/2007/11/07/ce-oh-no-he-didnt-part-xlix-eisner-tells-striking-writers-to/

Thanks to Engadget for pointing this one out. Fake Steve is going to have a helluva time with this one. Real Steve, too, probably.

As a guy who went to college for writing (as is so clearly evident in my brilliant prose, here), and who later realized that you have to give your heart, soul, and, more importantly, your creative rights over to these hacks who run the "business of writing," I do just have to say, "FUCK YOU, MICHAEL!"

Now, I also have to say, slightly softer, "fuck you, WGA." You are a union that rides on the back of your writers' good work. Once, you were useful, but like most unions, you have used your dues and your power for your own aggrandizement instead of furthering the needs of your members. You ought to relocate to Cleveland, where this kind of thing is commonplace. You ask your members to strike, and still pay their dues. That seems like asking Mikey to eat something just to see how it tastes before you try. Put up or shut up. Preferrably shut up. Don't believe me? Ok. That's fine. Go read this then shut up.

After tooling around on the WGA site, I was able to find the current complaints that the WGA alleges. My personal favorite is the phrase "makes a mockery of any residuals."

Jesus, guys. Grow up. Writers write. Studios produce. They hire, fire, make the show, broadcast the show, own the equipment, have the tech and artistic knowhow. Writers write.

That said, strike, don't strike, whatever. But, for Michael Eisner to come out of left field and blame Steve friggin' Jobs for this? PLEASE. Dude. I'm sorry your new venture isn't making any money, and you're "begging advertisers to give [you] enough money to break even," but that's not Steve Jobs' fault. I'm sorry that he made you leave Disney. I'm sorry you hate the old Shiite Muslim, but, really. You think this is Apple's fault?

If maybe your old hackish industry "take everyone to the cleaners and keep the profits for ourselves" attitude had changed a decade ago, maybe, just maybe you'd have some goodwill with the craftsmen who make your shows.

Putting the tic in politics...

2007-11-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

Note: I took a week or so off due to medical problems. Yes, "busy" is a medical problem. To me.

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2007/11/house-tables-re.html

Kudos to Mike Carney for writing this well. Very informative.

Wow. I don't even know where to begin.

Without going into my personal political views, I think we can all agree on two points.

a) Dick Cheney deserves to be impeached.
OR
b) Dick Cheney does not deserve to be impeached.

If the man did commit some "high crimes and misdemeanors," (thank you Troll Boy for your eloquence) he absolutely should be impeached.

Don't think for a second that this is what it's about. This is all about politics. The Democrats wanted this way back when, but, apparently, now Pelosi does not. The Republicans, who never wanted this, apparently want to make the Dems have it anyway.

Why the flip-flop? Simply because these idiots are so damned partisan, they say the other thing just to be against. Duck-season! Wabbit-season! Duck-season! Wabbit-season! Wabbit-season! Duck-season!

Christ Almighty, where the Hell did this country go so wrong with Congress? Oh. Wait. Right. Back around the time of Alexander Hamilton.

Jesus.

It's called censorhip, not criminal behavior.

2007-10-26T12:16:00.001-07:00

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jnweKlptFcPJXc2GxbuIyE4ix6Vg
Are you fucking kidding me?

"Harmful material" means material whose dominant theme taken as a whole and is utterly without redeeming social value for minors.

Disagree with that statement above? Fine. Go vote for someone new who wants to change it. That's the Texas Penal Code quoted above.

I'd like to point out that a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist probably has other books that have "redeeming social value."

This whole thing reminds me a bit of Farenheit 451, a book by Bradbury which has, quite amusingly, been banned in many school districts.

Christ, where does this stop? Ok, so the guy's a killer and a necrophiliac. It's also based on a true story from a guy who acted like this in Tennessee. Regardless, if we ban McCormack, what's next Faulkner or London because they were racists? Shakespeare because he was a misogynist? Whitman because he was gay? Then where?

Will the kids be allowed to read the Constitution? Those guys were slave-owners, many of them. Rapists, too, if you really want to get into what having sex with slaves actually is.

This has gone ridiculously too far. When Texas students can be suspended from school for wearing John Edwards T-shirts or telling a teacher that they are wrong, what's next?

Clam up, Georgia!

2007-10-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to type, I'm laughing so hard.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119335538682372231.html

I'd like to give a big shout-out to Google News for allowing me NOT have to subscribe to read this article. I'm sure if the WSJ knew about it, they'd care. Or maybe not. Anyway, if you want to read the article, go search Google News for "Atlanta mussels."

So. 350 miles away, the mussels are doing just fine. Yep. Atlantans can't wash their cars, but the clams are just fine. Go clams!

You see, somewhere back in 2006, instead of saying "fuck you, they're fucking clams," the Army instead said, "oh, yeah, sure. We'll send water down the rivers. Fuck all the thirsty people. Clams is where it's at, yo!"

Now, this wouldn't be so damned funny if Atlanta in particular and Georgia in general didn't act like the grasshopper. You see, Georgia usually has so much rain, that this isn't a problem. There's plenty to go around. October is one of Atlanta's driest months and clocks in at nearly 4" in the month. Since this is the case, the same morons who clatter around bitching about "global warming," and "climate change," don't plan for the future. "Well, we've always had water. Why worry?"

You morons. How in the world did you get elected? You're the idiots taking our money for this shit. You're the ones claiming that there's a catastrophic climate change happening next Tuesday, if you believe Al Gore, and we're just too dumb to see it, so you take more of our money. And, where does our money go --Ok, not really "ours," because I do not, thanks be to everything that's holy, live in or around the Armpit of America that is Atlanta -- precisely? Because it sure as shit didn't go into building more reservoirs.

Now, back to the point of Man vs Mussel. There's a small point in there as well which no one is talking about, but I'd like to point out. The Flint, where it drops out into the Gulf, also is home to the stupid, er, endangered Gulf Sturgeon, so, really, Atlanta's not being overpowered by mussels, but rather by mussels and fish. Seems unfair to gang up on the city that way. I mean, really. C'mon. Two vs one?

Money quote:
Where in the U.S. Constitution does it say, 'protect the mussels?'

Some protesting retard held that up. And, I'm not insulting him. I mean "retard" in the classic sense of "someone with less IQ than a sack of hair." Somone who walks around in public laughing and saying to everyone, "I just went poo!"

I'll tell you exactly where it says it, idiot. Article 1, Section 7. You voted these tree-hugging jerkoffs into office. They wrote a law that says "protect the mussels." You may have heard of it? The Endangered Species Act of 1973? If you don't like that, vote in people who want to protect you, not every damned thing on the planet.

Finally, even PETA disagrees with this one. I couldn't find a single picture of a fish or a mussel on their site. People for the Ethical Treatment of Cute and Fuzzy Animals Only.

I discovered DNA. Maybe you've heard of it?

2007-10-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/25/science/25cnd-watson.html?hp

Once again we turn to one of the greatest investigative sources and sources of pure journalistic truth and wisdom on the planet. No, not The Weekly World News, but rather the New York Times, the paper that I personally hold in the highest esteem. Viva la Jayson Blair!! You go, boys! You make that news up!!! Filthy hacks.

Well, imagine my not-surprise, then, when I read the above, uninformative beauty from them. After digging around, I found out what was actually said. Not on the NYT site, of course.

Referring to peoples from Africa (actually, I think it's referring to peoples descended from and currently living in Africa, but you get the point), Dr. Watson says:
"all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours whereas all the testing says not really."
"there is no firm reason to anticipate that the intellectual capacities of peoples geographically separated in their evolution should prove to have evolved identically"
"there are many people of color who are very talented, but don't promote them when they haven't succeeded at the lower level."

Alright. There's more. These pretty well cover it however. Oh..right...this one:
"This is not a discussion about superiority or inferiority, it is about seeking to understand differences, about why some of us are great musicians and others great engineers."

So, Cold Spring Harbor cans him. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. He retired precipitously. There was no pressure to do so. Riiiight. He just decided that now was the time?

If a Nobel winner (he discovered DNA. Remember Crick? Yeah. That's the Watson we're talking about here) wants to talk about genetic disparity and how it could affect what we traditionally consider intelligence, I say let the man. He's earned his right to do so.

Outspoken critic of Nigeria Idang Alibi (by the way, he lives and writes in Africa. Now that takes guts) agrees with Doc Watson. I imagine if anyone asks, so does Bill Cosby. I imagine if anyone cares to ask, and if they're not frothing at the mouth too much to answer, it's likely that Louis Farrakhan and Jesse Jackson probably do not.

By the way...
Good Ol' NYT again...
Money quote:
"Three populations were studied, Africans, East Asians and Europeans. In each, a mostly different set of genes had been favored by natural selection. And genes that affect the brain have also been evolving, and they have also been evolving differently in the different populations."

Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you saying? Africans are dumber than East Asians. East Asians are smarter than Europeans? Wait. This is like one of those logic problems. Well, I guess it would be, but that's all you say. There's a bit of gobble-de-gook that in no way goes into the incredibly fascinating study done here or its portents, but this one slipped under the radar a year and a half ago.

Alright. Back to my point. Dr. Watson, thank you for your good work. Thank you for your brilliance. Those of us who appreciate it will never look down on you for stepping away from this ridiculousness and the shit storm named political correctness. Some of us understand what you were actually trying to say. Some of us don't actually think you're a racist.

Enjoy your retirement, doc. You earned it.

I'm not creepy. I'm just chock full o' love!

2007-10-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/23/health/23well.html?em&ex=1193371200&en=5758670f0ceca03a&ei=5087%0A

Money quote #1:
"I certainly never expected to be a “co-sleeping” parent."

Alright. I'm very happily married, and my wife and I will, at some point, be having a couple or more of those life-sucking entities known as "children." I don't know a whole lot about raising them, as, I guess, most people don't, but I can guaran-damn-tee y'all one thing. I will certainly never be a "co-sleeping parent." In fact, I'm pretty sure there's some sort of law against "co-sleeping." Ask my wife. She's a lawyer.

Alright "co-sleeping?" I just adore your new word, by the way. There's already a word for it, hon. It's "co-dependent." Or "whiny." Or "pathetic." Or "creepy."

Money quote #2"
"...getting her out of the bed as she got older has been next to impossible."

Kind of like getting her to eat anything other than McNuggets? Getting her to behave in public? Getting her not to run around the restaurant when mommy is getting sloshed on her 2nd glass (Ohmygod, i can't believe I've had 2 glasses!!! I feel so drunk. Come give Mommy a kiss!) of bottom-shelf White Zinfandel?

Some situations I'd like to point out:
"Can we turn off the lights, Mommy, I'm tired?"
"No, honey. I promised Mr. Jones he could see my face."

"Mommy! Mr. Snuggles is all sticky!"
(deep voice) "Tell your mommy to swallow next time."

and so forth.

Money quote #3:
"the practice is widely frowned on, not just by grandparents and friends..."

Hahahahaha...I'm guessing her grandparents and your friends, you creepy bitch.

Money quote #3:
"Nearly 13 percent of parents in the United States slept with their infants in 2000..."

YES! Infants! INFANTS!!! Yes. Totally ok. Children old enough to make ladders out of Doritos bags in their sleep and wake you up to tell you about it need their own room. Preferrably the basement. With shackles. And slowly dripping water. Oh, wait. Don't worry. You're making her insane enough on your own.

Money quote #4 (and I'm only 5 paragaphs in, folks):
"Ask parents if they sleep with their kids, and most will say no."

Because they don't. Oh..wait for it. Insert supposed statistics about people not reporting what they're not doing and create a percentage for me. Please? Ass something in about global warming to make me believe it. C'mon. Really. Only like 40% of people are really that creepy, and most of them don't have kids; they're uncles named Rob.

Useless statistic #1:
"Parents who slept with their children reported a much higher frequency of nighttime wakings than parents who did not."

Wait a minute. Parents who were 3 inches away from their kids noticed their kids waking up more often than those who were shackled in the basement? Who'd've thunk?

Tangetial rant #1:
"the nurses insisted that I hold her in my hospital bed because her cries were disturbing the other babies."

Uh. I'm sorry. Fuck the fuck off you fucking fuckers. You get paid to deal with that shit. The lady had a C-section, and if you're not clear on that, it's when they go in through your chest, take out your lungs and heart and stomach, grab the baby then superglue all that shit back in. Or something. Anyway, it hurts. It's a MAJOR surgery. When I had knee surgery, my folks and friends weren't let into the room for about 6 hours, and I was under constant supervision. They sure as hell didn't bring me some squalling little ball of snot, tears and shit and say, "hey, hold this would you? It's crying."

Money quote to close:
"“I can tell you with certainty,” he says, “that one day you will wake up, and she won’t be there.”

I'm pretty sure that's what Charles Manson's mom found out, too.

Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard...

2007-10-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, you've got to be kidding. I mean, you have got to be kidding me. I've been sitting here on this blank first line just trying to wrap my head around this one and what to say. I don't even know where to begin:

a) The announcement at friggin' Carnegie Hall?
b) The fact that she even felt the need to bring this up?
c) The fact that anyone actually cares?
d) Or this idiot http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1674550,00.html

Once again, Time does it and publishes a very poorly written article about absolutely nothing.

Alright. I don't want to write 99 pages on this and justify it any further than the ridiculous statement in the first place, so let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

1) You're done. You wrote the last book. Go home.
2) No one cares.
3) They're not real people, Ms. Rowling. Really. No. Really.
4) No one cares.
5) If it's not in the book, it didn't happen. See point 3 above. This is a work of fiction. Well, a lot of works of fiction. These characters don't have backstories. The books ARE THEIR BACK STORIES. If it's not in there, it didn't happen.
6) No. One. Cares.

Alright. That's enough about the issue itself. Now, for you, you blithering idiot. Let me just suggest that you START your article with this:
"Am I making too much of this? Undoubtedly."

That at least gives the unknowing reader a little insight into your mind that you're nothing more than a hack, and that this article isn't worth the virtual paper it isn't printed on. Hopefully Time didn't print this tripe in their paper magazine.

Please. God. Tell me they didn't justify this idiot with actual ink.

Welcome

2007-10-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to all the little things that you see every day that just floor you. Have you ever wondered how someone you're talking to can even find the door in the morning, they're so stupid? I do. Way too often.

This blog is dedicated to those wonderful, wonderful people that make all of our days just a little more staggeringly stupid.